Thank you, Mark Sanford, for protecting the institution of marriage for us, the American people, against those evil homogays who want to destroy it. You, like many other Republicans, have been working hard over the past decade to prevent the full enforcement of the Fourteenth Amendment — especially those parts about “liberty” and “equal protection under the law”.
I think my favorite part about the Republican Party platform is that it has nothing to do with, say, the evils of cheating on one’s wife or divorce. No, apparently the only — or at least the biggest — threat to marriage is same-sex marriage. But here’s the funny thing. The divorce rate in the United States is estimated to be 40-50%. Estimates vary, but the most conservative put the infidelity rate at about 20%. So, basically: not only is who I marry none of the Republican Party’s business, not only does it have no effect on anyone else’s marriage, but even if neither of those things were true, divorce and adultery would still be the biggest threats to the institution of marriage.
But I guess none of that matters to the Crazy Crusaders for Marriage. Let’s take a look at the hypocritical douchebags who go on at length about the “protection” of marriage against “them evil homosexuals”. In only the past five years, we’ve had Mark Foley — the crusader against internet predators who was actually a predator himself; Ted Haggard — fundy-wingnut-in-chief who apparently was down with hiring male prostitutes and doing crystal meth; Robert Allen — member of the Florida Statehouse and state chairman of the McCain campaign; Larry Craig — the Republican senator from Idaho with the “wide stance”; Bill Clinton — the “Democrat” who signed the “Defense” of “Marriage” Act while doing naughty things with a cigar with his intern; Glenn Murphy — the national chairman of the Young Republicans who got another Young Republican drunk to take advantage of him; John Ensign — senator of Nevada and fellow adulterer; the list really does go on and on.
You’d think that the massive hypocrisy of the Republican Party might reflect somehow on the legitimacy of their rantings about “protecting marriage”. You know, considering that they themselves are responsible for more damage to the institution of marriage than anything else. Well, I suppose that’s a bit of an exaggeration. It’s a totally legitimate argument to say that the 24-hour Britney Spears marriage and the other shenanigans which go on in Las Vegas are far more harmful to the moral fabric of this country than anything that gay marriage could wreak.
In conclusion: if the Republican Party leadership wants to prevent the “decay” of the institution of marriage, they should do a number of things: (1) pass tougher divorce laws; (2) stop cheating on their wives; (3) come out of the closet already.
